9 Subtle Signs You & Your Partner Are Not Intellectually Compatible
As you may know, compatibility in various aspects of your relationship is super important for couples to last long-term. For instance, having shared values and expectations for the future are two very basic things you and your partner need to see eye-to-eye on. Having great physical chemistry is another and some even make it a point to date people with compatible zodiac signs. But according to experts, there’s one really important thing that tends to get overlooked. In case you might not have known, intellectual compatibility in relationships is just as important to have as anything else.
“Intellectual compatibility is when both people are mentally stimulated by the same conversations,” relationship coach and expert, Jenna Ponaman, CPC, tells Bustle. This doesn’t necessarily mean you both need to have the same IQ level. It simply means that you both have the capacity to indulge in deep conversations that become mutually interesting for the two of you.
According to Ponaman, this is important to have because it will shed a light on how compatible you are in other areas of your relationship. “For example one person may be sexually compatible with their partner, but if they don’t find them interesting on a more intellectual level, the ability to make this a thriving lasting serious relationship is slim,” she says. In other words, it’s really hard to make a relationship last if you and your partner have nothing to talk about.
One Partner Always Feels Like The “Teacher”
“If one partner feels intellectually superior and the other feels intellectually inferior, this can be a big problem in the relationship,” licensed ily therapist, Heidi McBain, M.A., tells Bustle. This one may seem obvious, but sometimes you don’t really notice it until you actually take a step back and reflect on your situation. Have you ever felt like your partner turns every little mistake you make into a “teachable moment”? Are they always right and you’re always wrong? Do they interrupt you a lot? Do they feel the need to correct you or over explain things? As McBain says, “This can cause the relationship to be skewed where one partner has more of a teacher role and one has more of a student role.” If this is your dynamic, it can cause resentment in the partner who has taken on the “student” role. If this is starting to bother you, having an open conversation about how your partner is making you feel is important. Sometimes, they may not even realize that they’re doing it. If you’re the one who’s taken on the “teacher” role, be mindful of your partner’s reactions to things you say or do. You may be hurting them unintentionally.
You Feel Bored
Intellectual compatabilty is crucial for a long, rewarding relationship, dating and relationship coach, Rosalind Sedacca, CLC, tells Bustle. One major sign that this is a problem area in your relationship is boredom. “When you feel bored with what your partner says and topics they choose to talk about, this is usually a sign of intellectual incompatibility,” she says. More often than not, boredom in your relationship is pretty easy to spot. According to Sedacca, bored partners will find themselves calling friends, family, and other people more often in order to get the stimulation they’re lacking in their relationship.
If you know there’s an intellectual difference in your relationship, always remember that you can’t force your partner to change who they are. You can, however, find other factors that strengthen your relationship. “Look for other mutual interests you both can share,” Sedacca says. “Physical activity, sports, music, cooking together and other facets of life that you enjoy together can create a bond that cements the relationship and gives you something of value to share.”