YOU NEED MORE LUBE THAN YOU THINK YOU DO
Please be super communicative when doing anything in bed, especially if you’re new at it and it’s your first time or first few times. One of the major things that jumped out at me was that you said you don’t seem to be skilled at it yet. How do you know? You could be rocking their world. When you’re using a strap-on with someone else, both parties have to be unabashed about what they like, how they like it, how fast, how hard, how deep, etc. While you may experience some sensation, you’re not going to be able to feel reactions the same way you would with your fingers and mouth. The best way to learn how to fuck your partner with a strap-on is from your partner. So let them know that it’s okay to say exactly what they want – it won’t hurt your feelings, it’ll just help you learn. Also know that you’ll probably be really sore after your first few times doing this: there are muscles you don’t have yet that you’ll be using to control where this dick goes. So even if you start out really, really slowly (recommended! Please start out really, really slowly) it still requires muscles you didn’t know you had.
Actually, so does everyone for almost every sex act ever. Use a water-based, glycerin-free lube. If you haven’t been using lube, go out and get some. I like Babelube, Maximus and Liquid Silk. Sometimes people think they aren’t good at something or that they can’t do some sex act when all they really need is moar lube.
SOMETIMES IT’S NOT YOU. IT’S THE HARNESS.
If you feel like you don’t have a tremendous the inner circle amount of control even after a lot of practice, know that not all harnesses are created equal and that different people prefer different harnesses for their bodies. For instance, I love my RodeOH, but I get tons more control with my Spareparts. That could be different for you. And I’ve tried to use a broken harness at least once in my life and let me tell you, that shit does not work – check to make sure everything is connected as it should be. It could also be that your harness isn’t fitting you correctly – harnesses usually need to be tighter than one might think on their first go, and some harnesses do stretch a little during sex, so try tightening up and see how that feels.
BASIC POSITIONS ARE BEST FOR BEGINNERS
When you’re starting out, I wouldn’t go straight for the rockstar positions. Some that I find easier to work a dick with are:
– In any or all of these positions, try circling your hips instead of only pumping them straight in and out – try other motions, too. Mix it up.
Please keep your questions to around, at most, 100 words. Due to the high volume of questions and feelings, not every question or feeling will be answered or published on Autostraddle. We hope you know that we love you regardless.
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Then, of course, there are the how-to’s and step-by-steps. Babeland has a ton of events in their Manhattan, Seattle and Brooklyn locations. Keep checking there for a strap-on-related workshop. Smitten Kitten paired up with Queer Porn TV (that’s Courtney Trouble, folks! Sexy!) to bring you two how-to videos. Sinclair Sexsmith has an entire tag on their site entitled “Butch Cock,” which is full of sexy stories and sex advice alike. These how-to’s can serve to make you more comfortable, but nothing is a substitute for good ole fashioned practice.